its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Is that strawberry winking at me??
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
