it wasn't lemon gatorade
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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