3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
