put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
