How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize