Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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