I just cut my nipple shaving
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
