I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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