He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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