I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
