so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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