I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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