I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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