I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
