Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
