her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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