i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
