I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
