just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I licked your asshole in confidence.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
