she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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