I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Randomize
