i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
