You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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