If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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