mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
