I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
