Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
