told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
