we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
