You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
