I'm gonna have a badass scar
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
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