I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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