She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize