Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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