So drunk its hurt
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
