I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
