i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't want my vagina anymore.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
