Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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