This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
