dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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