Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
it hurts more in the daytime
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
