Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
