Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
