Yo dont text me then not text me
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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