Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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