so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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