Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
