1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Randomize
