you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
