By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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