A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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