my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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