So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
