guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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