Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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