Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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