He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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