I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
