so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
