I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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