chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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