Where is the hickey?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
