I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
