That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
