By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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