I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
