I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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